GRIEF AND LOSS
Coping with Loss

Grief is a natural response to loss due to varying circumstances: the death of a spouse, child, friend, or animal companion; the onset of a life-threatening illness; impending divorce or relationship breakup; an accident or assault; loss of a job; assuming the care of an aging parent; losing one's home; betrayal by someone we trust; relocation; or a host of other potential major changes in one's life. Grief is not something we "get over" but rather a process we move through that affects all parts of our identity and lives.

In this day and age, everything seems to be moving very quickly and there are a number of challenges we face just negotiating the stress of everyday living. When a major loss is thrown in our path, the journey becomes more complex and we find ourselves overwhelmed by pain as the world continues its pace and normal routines. But for someone who is thrust into grief, there is no more normal. Current losses can 'remove the scabs' from old wounds or losses making the grieving more intense, confusing and complicated.

Some feelings that accompany major losses are: disbelief that 'this is happening'-we simply cannot believe it; the desire to turn back the clock before the loss occurred 'to the way things used to be'; helplessness that you can't change what has happened; profound sadness for what you no longer have; numbness or lack of feelings as you watch life go on around you, yet you feel detached and not a part of it; feeling so angry at times that you want to lash out and destroy something, just as your life may feel destroyed; feeling unsure of who you are, what you should be doing, how to make it through the pain; an inability to focus or concentrate on anything for very long; fears about a host of life issues that were not problems before; fatigue, loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping; a fear of going crazy. If you are experiencing any or all of these feelings, know that these are natural responses to what has happened.

Many of these symptoms are also aspects of depression. Although a temporary depression is not abnormal for acute grieving and can be a normal reaction to a major loss, if it persists for an extended period of time and makes it impossible to function with everyday routines and activities, it would be important to see a professional for evaluation for clinical depression.

Pet Loss

For those who have had an animal companion die, it is important to give yourself permission to grieve as much as you would if you were to lose a son or a daughter. For many people, their pets are their children, and yet their family or friends may not be as supportive as they could be. There is no shame in loving animals deeply, only in shaming others for feeling so deeply about their pets.

For more information on PET LOSS, click here.

How to Use Grief Energy

Because we are not used to coping with all these difficult feelings on a daily basis, when they do occur with grief and loss, we can be thrown off balance and not have the tools or resources we need to regain equilibrium and a sense of direction. Grief is a form of energy. One response would be to fight against the grief energy and allow feelings to go unexpressed and hide in our bodies until they begin to cause dis-ease or illness. "It is how we receive and process this energy that makes all the difference in the world. Instead of bracing against and fearing grief energy, you can look at your healing process differently, trust it, and use your intention to transform the experience and your life in positive ways." (THE WINDS OF CHANGE, p. 5)

Seek Support

During this healing crisis/opportunity, for that is what grief and loss can be, it is important to have support, and plenty of it. Whether you are anticipating the death of a loved one in hospice care, mourning the loss of a loved one, or grieving the loss of good health and independence as the result of an accident or illness such as cancer, it is imperative to seek assistance with the work and journey we call grieving.

Just as a mother giving birth to a baby, just as a soul leaving the body at the time of death, you are giving birth to a new you. Birth, death and the grief journey are all transformative processes and, just as we wouldn't expect a mother to go through this important rite of passage alone, you do not need to do so either. Midwives, doctors, nurses, family and friends all support the birthing mother. Family, friends, clergy, hospice personnel and others sometimes assist the dying to make their transition. You also deserve help and assistance in moving through a life-altering 'birth' of a new you.

Grief and loss puts you on the road to transformation. You are no longer the same person you were before your grief or loss arrived. Who you are may seem difficult to define, yet make no mistake, you are in a metamorphosis, and will emerge a different person, changed by your loss, and your response to it. You don't need to feel like a victim at the mercy of your grief. Your conscious use of intention to heal is the beginning to an empowered transformation and more purposeful life.

Bereaved and those healing from any type of grief or loss must identify and strengthen their inner and outer resources. The people and activities in your life that sustain you, make you feel good and whole are the ones to hold closely to you at this time. People who aren't supportive because of their lack of understanding what you are going through and lifestyle choices that aren't helpful to this important transition you are in, are better avoided or let go of for the time being.

Seek out a support group that deals with your particular grief or loss and allows each person to grieve in her or his own way. Turn towards love, whether it is family, friends or your animal companions. Go inward and strengthen your spiritual bonds to God, angels, or spirit guides. Spend plenty of time in nature as it will help you to heal immensely. Find books and resources that deal with grief and loss and assist you to feel your feelings.

Allow your pain to "be" and avoid trying to escape it. Doing your grief and loss work is a form of preventive medicine. The more you hide your pain away in dark corners of yourself, the easier it is for this unexpressed pain to transform into dis-ease or illness. Use deep breathing techniques to help carry you through a wave of pain. By giving yourself the gift of doing the hard work of grieving, you allow yourself to become more present, more loving and compassionate, and more purposeful in your life journey.

Timetables for Grief

Give yourself time, as much as you need, to mourn your grief and loss. There is no timetable for this process. We don't "get over" our losses, but we do learn to adapt and continue living with the changes the loss has brought. We have the opportunity to take these life-changing events to weed out "the small stuff" (that we no longer need to sweat over) and redefine our priorities towards living a more fulfilling, love-centered and purposeful life. As you walk the grief and loss journey, you can look back and see how far you have moved from darkness into beautiful, life-enhancing light.

Resources

On this website you can learn about the resources, books and CD's that Marcia has created for those on a grief transformation journey. You can read excerpts from the books and listen to short pieces from her original healing songs. From her profound personal losses and professional experience as a grief counselor, combined with her creative arts therapy training and musical background, she has created a unique approach to assisting the healing process.

Learn more about Marcia's books and CD's here

Learn more about other helpful sites here